In a one-on-one conversation, how do you get people to listen when they are not skilled listeners?
The Universal Motivator
There are many “hooks” to engage a listener and they mostly focus on the speaker’s message and their non verbal actions. Those are all good, but they may not be enough. The strategy that is often missing is what we call “The Universal Motivator” or the Golden Rule 2.0®. We’ve all seen someone’s eyes glaze over or begin to fidget when we’re sharing what we think is important and interesting information.
Often our message is interesting, but we may be presenting it in a style that is difficult for the other person to absorb. The key is to learn to speak as the other person wishes to be spoken to – the Golden Rule 2.0®.
Challenges with the Golden Rule 2.0®
There are 2 key challenges:
- Figuring out how people want to be treated. It’s not always obvious or intuitive.
- Once we figure that out, how to change our communication to better connect with them.
If we can learn to read others well and adapt our style to better match theirs, they are much more likely to remain engaged and listen to AND hear our message.
Identifying Others’ Styles
We’ve developed a simple tool to help you with both aspects. It’s based on two key elements – the first is where does the person put their focus? On tasks or people? Note how they begin the conversation – do they launch right into the topic or do they first connect in a more personal way – asking how you are, or sharing something about their day, etc. As the conversation continues do they focus on facts and data or do they also include how the topic might impact or engage others? Label them T for Task or P for people. While most people are a blend of both, they generally lean more strongly to one or the other.
The second element is how fast they make decisions and are ready to move on. Do they want to move quickly through a conversation or do they take time to gather more information or explore how others might feel about the topic? Label them an F for fast or a D for deliberative.
Now if you take the two labels together you have 4 styles and you’ve identified how they want to be communicated with. Challenge 1 is complete!
Here’s the answer to the second challenge:
How to change to get people to listen!
TF – Focus on just the facts and as few as you can winnow it down to. Skip the pleasantries and get right down to the issue. Present it with as few words as you can and keep the conversation moving. Be ready for them to interrupt with their opinion. They won’t ask many questions. It will help if you can move quickly to a decision, knowing you can adjust it if necessary as you go.
TD – Give them all the facts and take your time painting a detailed picture. Skip the pleasantries as well and be prepared to get lots of questions and to have the person add in different points of view as you go along. Don’t rush a decision and have your facts in order before you start.
PF – Take time to engage in social aspects. Keep your presentation very high level. PF style folks are big picture thinkers. They get lost if you share too many details. Show the connections, the impact on people, and why this matters, more than giving too many details. Be prepared for interruptions, for them to tell stories and even go off topic. If you take the time to actively listen to their stories when they interrupt, they are more likely to listen to yours as well.
PD – These folks are generally skilled listeners, so if you engage them well, they’ll take the time to listen. Start with a more personal engagement before getting down to the facts. Include the interpersonal aspect of whatever you’re sharing. PD’s focus on people and care about how people feel. Share your feelings as well as the facts. Your feelings will engage them. Keep the facts limited, don’t overload.
The more distant you are from a style, the more you’ll need to stretch! This is a quick overview of our T.E.A.M. Communication Styles® model. If you’d like to learn more, check out our website or email me.
The Tool You Need
While there are many tools that help with this, T.E.A.M. is especially focused on communication. It’s also quick – only 12 questions long! And very effective. Take a look on our website .
