The Listener

I’ve been having a very interesting discussion with Colin Smith from the UK who calls himself The Listener. (www.dexteritysolutions.co.uk ) Colin has co-written this article. We are both focused on strategic communication for leaders, but come at it from different perspectives. Here we’re discussing strategic listening.

The T.E.A.M. Approach – Adapting to Succeed

In an earlier post I talked about how to speak so people will engage and listen. Now let’s look at how you can listen more skillfully. My approach is based on the T.E.A.M. Communication Styles® model . This model illuminates differences people have with how they prefer to communicate. If you can adapt to meet their preferred style, you’ll be more successful. For leaders, doing this will let your employees know you value and appreciate them, which are keys to retention and motivation. Strategic communication has a payoff – a stronger work team.

The same applies for people at all levels and in all contexts – the more you can adapt to other’s preferences, the better they will feel about you and the less conflict you will experience. In this era of deep conflict, strategic communication can help bridge some of our divides and build trust. People tend to trust people more when they speak in ways the person values.

If you’re not familiar with T.E.A.M. write to me or check out our website.

Deep Listening

Now back to Colin. His approach to strategic communication focuses on deep listening. By training yourself to listen with full attention, not interrupting and staying with the other person’s message, you co-create a space for the other person to think through and resolve their own challenges, often without needing specific advice.

Deep listening helps the other person go deeper into themselves and pull out the wisdom that is sometimes hidden. This type of deep listening is a rare experience, so the speaker will be very appreciative, feel valued and again more likely to build a trusting relationship.

What is Strategic Listening?

As we discussed this more (and listened carefully!), we gained further clarity about “strategic listening”. Most people listen to get information, and quite rightly so; we need to understand what people are saying. While that is often the primary purpose of listening, if you stop there, you are missing key opportunities. The strategic element comes in when you listen for additional reasons.

As a coach, Colin listens to give the person a safe space to explore their concerns and find solutions. If they find themselves going around in circles, he can reflect back their key messages since he was listening closely, thereby getting them back on track with their thinking. Since he’s reflecting their messages, not his own, he’s still in the listener mode.

As a leader, coworker or friend, I listen to build a connection, strengthen the relationship, and learn more about the other person and/or myself. As I listen, I begin to see their T.E.A.M. style, and by paying close attention, I am not distracted and can adapt my listening to match their preferences.

T.E.A.M. Style Listening – People’s Listening Preferences Differ

The T wants me to get it quick and move on without much discussion.
The E wants me to listen and not interrupt as they sometimes tell long stories, or jump from one topic to another.
The A wants me to paraphrase their message back in detail, and ask questions to show I was really listening and interested.
The M wants me to listen patiently and reflect back the feeling part of their message along with the factual content.

See the T.E.A.M. model for more information.

Strategic listening techniques

Strategic listening can be hard work, especially as we are more stuck in our head; listening for and resolving our own problems. We can’t always be so focused, but when we can, we can get great results. Some basic tools Colin uses for deep listening are:

Set aside your thoughts for the moment and focus deeply on the other person.
Before speaking, count to three, (the three second rule) to make sure they have really finished – you may find they keep talking when you do…that’s the goal – you’re the listener.
You may also notice their eyes still moving around and not looking at you – they are probably still thinking, so wait even longer than the three seconds.
Ask them, “And what more?”, or “And what more do you think or feel or want to share?” and never be surprised when they do speak more. (You can ask these questions many times during a conversation. It is as though the speaker is asking themselves the question. And, because their thinking has moved further on each time you ask the question, they hear it as a new question.)
When you do speak, start by paraphrasing/summarizing their key points, or simply repeat the last word or words spoken with the intonation of a question, e.g. “Mmmm, challenging?” This continues to show them that you are listening and interested.
Maybe ask open-ended questions before you weigh in, so you fully hear their views.

Give it a try! Next time you’re not in a hurry, slow down, focus on the other person and see what more you can learn about them as well as their message. Notice how your relationship improves; and how trust, that most elusive element, begins to grow. Let me know your results and I’ll share them with Colin. (If you’re always in a hurry, write to me for some tips on slowing down.)